It’s 3:20 a.m. on Sunday and I’m awake sobbing. Why? During a “normal” bout of insomnia, I went to get paper and a pen to write something down so my brain would be free to go back to sleep. Only I made the mistake of turning on the light in the dining room, allowing me to see all the stuff from Mahalia’s 2nd birthday party yesterday afternoon. All of a sudden, it hit me…My baby girl is TWO-YEARS-OLD!!! Why is that so sad? Well, I guess it really isn’t, but it is very bittersweet. Although I love watching Mahalia grow and learn and become this little person that she is, I miss the little baby that I had so briefly. I swear it feels like only last week that I was feeling her move inside my belly. Then a few days later we were welcoming her into the world and bringing her home for the first time. Then the next day she was my chunka-lunka baby with the big head who needed an ultrasound. Then I blinked and it was the next day and she was turning ONE (?!). Now she’s already TWO?! I don’t know how parents manage to have teenagers or adult children who were just babies yesterday, if I can’t get over my baby being two already. How do you let go of that little baby? I know that I still have many years before Mahalia is old enough to say she wants to move out and experience the world, but it feels like I only have a few more minutes with her.
The other day when we were driving to the store to get some things for her birthday party, I looked in the mirror because she made a noise while eating her snack. It was just one of those little “baby girl” noises, but I had the thought that it was a noise that I would one day not hear from her. Then I thought, Oh my God! One of these days when I look in this mirror, I’m not going to see my little girl back there anymore, I’ll see a BIG KID. And I just started crying. To the point where I had to tell myself to STOP! I thought it was just pregnancy hormones at the time, but now I’m thinking it was more than that. It was the slow down feeling that I’m sure all parents have when it comes to their kids.
Bernie Mac wrote a comment in his book about parenting that has stuck with me since I read it (maybe a couple of years ago). He said something about how being a parent is the only job where, if you’re doing it right, you work yourself out of a job. I remember thinking how sad that sounded at the time when I read it, but now it scares me. I obviously want to do a good job with Mahalia, but I also can’t imagine letting her go….EVER…but I know I will have to one day. I want Mahalia to have all the experiences I have had so far…and the ones that I never had that she will want to have. Plus, I never want to be “that” mom who desperately smothers and clings to their kids. That wouldn’t be fair to Mahalia.
I guess I will just have to keep reminding myself to focus on now and make the most out of every second that I have with her.
